Tag: Thoughts

Smoke

Smoke

I remember you sitting on the couch
In your house
It smelled like smoke
Watching reruns of tv-shows
Older than your son
My father
I’m not sure what was going on in your mind
Maybe dreams of a far off past
A different world
People things and places
That have all passed on and changed form
And I never really asked about it
And you never really volunteered
We only talked about it a few times
A small glimpse of a life.
You were a man of few words
But I remember the way your eyes would sometimes gleam
When you saw us
And despite the lack of words
And the little we knew about each others lives
In some way we communicated in silence
And the last time I saw you
You fell asleep
So I waited for some time
Left you a note
Told you I loved you
And would see you again
But you had grown tired
And were ready to go
So the next time, you were asleep forever
Gone to see the many people who went before you
Gone like the world you knew as a young man
Except for the pieces you left behind
In me and the people you loved.

Neuchâtel skies

Neuchâtel skies

It’s a peculiar feeling
When you leave behind everything you know
And set your sights for new lands
Become a stranger
Different language different customs
But you will find
That in every place
If you keep your eyes and your heart open
You can find fellow travelers
Who may be strangers or may be at home
But who see you
And smile
Because they see something familiar in you
People who will bring you along with them
Until you find your way
Find your home
At least for some time
With the sound of music
Drifting over the cold water
Of the lake under the stars
Beneath Neuchâtel skies.

In Pieces

In Pieces

The first time I went away from home
I think I was not sure of myself
Whether I would find a new home
Whether I was worthy of love
And could find it with people who were not bound to me
By an accident of the time and place of our birth
But I did find friends
And lovers
More than once
Not always perfect fits
But close enough
Everyone has a small piece of the divine spark

And I moved from home to home many times
And always found people whose souls
Would resonate, at least a little, with mine
Until eventually I found myself
Love for me
Just the way I am
But it’s interesting
That since I was young
In some ways I set myself apart
People like to do things for others
It’s one of my favorite things
But somehow I wanted to do things by myself
Never rely on others
I deprive them of the thing I crave most
And I still don’t like to ask people for things
I’d rather figure it out on my own
Do it on my own

I’m not really sure why
It’s not because I fear someone to say no
I have grown comfortable with discomfort
And I feel that I am enough
No matter what others think
I think it’s because I don’t want to trouble others
I fear more that someone would say yes
Despite not wanting to
Or to say no and feel bad
I don’t want to be a burden, to ask for precious pieces of someone that they’d rather keep
But why?

In the end it must come back to me
It always does
Some myth of myself I hold too dear
The easiest one to fool is the one in the mirror
I want to believe
That I am infinite
That I am unbreakable
And I can give out little pieces of myself
Over and over again
And never take something back
Sometimes I really think I am
But somewhere deep inside
I remember times
Where I gave too much
And started to crack
Even if I didn’t let it show
Where there weren’t so many pieces left to give

And so maybe I should try to learn
To protect myself a little
To slow down
To give less freely
And keep some of the important pieces for myself
Or someone who will keep them safe.

I Miss You

I Miss You

I don’t remember when you were born
I was too young
But I have seen the pictures
The smile on my face
A new brother to love.
But those days, I didn’t see three feet past my nose
Absorbed in my inner world
The things I could learn
The stories I could live
But you were always watching me, I think,
My every move
Maybe I taught you some bad habits
But I know now you just wanted a part of me
A little bit of attention reflected back
Where so much was given.
And we fought and fought
Time and time again
And it really hurt
You didn’t pull punches
Never gave up.
I was the older brother
Should be smarter, should be wiser
But in time (too much time)
I saw you were right
That the world outside our minds is what is worth living for
The small sliver where my world intersects with yours.
It’s not the things we learn, the things we achieve that make life worth living.
It’s the things we build with others, the small acts of kindness, the moments of love and friendship.
I learned so much from you.
I hope you knew.
I will forever be grateful.
I will forever miss you.

Lessons

Lessons

I’m not sure where I learned many of these lessons
Seems like they were there before I can remember
Deeply embedded in my mind
Many of them good
Just as many bad
The baggage I carry through life and try to unlearn.
And so you caught my eye
Both of you
And I fell in deep
And I acted out the lessons I learned
Playing this movie in my mind, sharing it with you
But somehow at this time
I didn’t know that it could work
That anyone could be interested in this boy just barely becoming a man
And so I didn’t think
Because I thought you would never take interest
It would never become real.
And I’m not sure exactly how much you cared for me
But I guess it was a bit at least
And then it came out
You were friends
Of course you talked
I acted a fool
To make you both feel special with the same words.
The thing is, you were both special.
To me.
But I was lazy and I didn’t believe my words had power
Didn’t believe I had power
Was worthy of love.
And with time you both had grace
Forgave me somehow
Became friends again.
And you weren’t the same anymore
And I hope you felt that you were special to me
In different ways.
And we have lost touch over the years
So much has happened
I hope you’ve known love and joy
I still think of you sometimes
And wish with all my heart
That you are happy
And loved.

Echoes

Echoes

I hope that from the moment you entered this world, you knew love
I did
In the soft touch of my mothers hand
As we crossed the street
And the gaze of all my family
I brought that with me
Time after time
Finding love is easy
But enduring is not always
But the old cliche is true
It’s better to lose than to never have
To build up walls and lock yourself away
Because I am made up of many pieces
Of those I’ve loved
Family
Friends
Lovers
Small things like
Angel food cake with cool whip and strawberries
Peeps marshmallow candy
Fried chicken a little too burnt
A dogfish head IPA

Flip flops in the dead of winter
The smell of smoke lingering on a sofa
A favorite band we saw together

A big smile and a pat on the back
Or an aperol spritz by a lake
Every thought I have
Every move I make contains
Echoes of those I love now
Those I’ve loved and lost
A beautiful symphony
I never want to fade
Until I’m gone
And the whisper echoes in the minds
Of those that love me.

The next right thing

The next right thing

I’m not sure what controls this world
Or what its motivations are
I think the safest thing to believe
Is nothing at all
Pure randomness
And the free will we exercise together
In this grand mosaic of planet earth
Weaving together the history of our world
One thread at a time
And so, each day is precious
Each moment each decision
Each good day and every ray of sun
Because in a moment the wind can change
And blow it all away.
It happens all the time
To people far better than me
But no matter what life throws at me
I will always pop up
And a smile will arise again
Today
Tomorrow
In sixty years
Till I draw my last breath
Because the only thing I can control
Is my own actions
And what I do with what I am given
And I always hope
Always want
For it to be
The next right thing.

A warm bright spot

A warm bright spot

This world contains multitudes
It’s not one or the other
For every day full of sunshine and warmth
There’s a storm waiting to darken the sky
That will, too, eventually pass
And there’s often no sense
No reason
Why some get more of one
And some more of the other
And some not enough of either.
And I am just one small part of this world
One weightless drop of water,
One small beam of light,
But I am a part of it
It’s shape and feel
It’s light and darkness
So I seek to be a small, warm, bright spot
A gentle place to take a rest
Before moving on the way
And I seek not to take
But to give
Not to win
But to build
Not to hate
But to love
And I know I will fail sometimes
But I hope to succeed more times
And I hope you join me
And the world becomes a little warmer and brighter
Together.

How to help

How to help

I saw it on the news again
The same sad story
A man the world forgot
Neglected, didn’t shelter
Acting out a little
Crying out in pain
In a way that was inconvenient to society
His light extinguished too soon
By a violent wind
And I stand here
Lost in thought
Asking how to solve the problem
Asking where it comes from
And how I play a role
How can I help my fellow man?
When sometimes I feel I can hardly take care of myself
But that’s nothing
Compared to what he lived
But this problem is so big
And each of our parts is so small
It can feel hopeless
But that’s not a reason not to try
So I hope the next time I can do something
Something small or large
To help ease someone’s pain
I will do it
Without a seconds thought
And that there are millions just like me
Thinking the same.

Human

Human

Sometimes I feel
Like my heart is so close to the surface
Protected by nothing
Just a paper thin skin
Beating, faster and faster,
Straining to leave its cage
Always reaching for something
Always searching
Grasping
For something that slips through my fingers
Every time

But sometimes I catch a glimpse in the mirror
Of the masks that I wear
The shell that I use
To protect myself
To keep myself apart
Even from those I love

And I wonder
How I could be both of these things at once
Why there is nothing in the middle
And if one is the real me
I guess there is no answer
And that I’m not the only one
And that is part of what makes us human