It’s not worth my time to always chase you
To always be in pursuit of a person
Who, no matter how hard you try, what you do,
Will never have an inkling of what you’ve done,
The small invisible things that make life easy
Always take care Because you care deeply
How you disguise the pain so they don’t see
The disconnect that you feel completely
Like nobody sees you for who you are,
Like nobody understands how much you care
Like you’re staring at the world from afar
Hoping they dont notice how much you stare
Trying not to expose your heart to harm
While protecting everyone else under your arm.
It feels like all our lives we’ve been searching
Always trying to find something
Like there was a part of us incomplete
A deep wound we couldn’t treat,
At least not on our own.
That ache in our marrow, deep in the bone
The wanderlust that we cannot shake
No matter what title we achieve, how much money we make.
This hole can’t be filled with material possessions
Shallow relationships, scuba lessons.
It can only be filled by love and good deeds,
Love given without any heed
To reciprocation or personal benefit.
Only then will the darkness be lit
And the emptiness filled with peace.
I’ve always craved closeness, always pulled away,
Always held back things I couldn’t say
Feeling like I observed the world around me
Through a pane of bulletproof glass: I can see
But never touch, never feel,
Never really know if any of it is real
or in my head. Always at arms length
Using every ounce of my strength
To try to break through the barrier,
To truly feel connected, understood.
In a way, I thought that no one ever could.
Sometimes I tire of the struggle, want to weep
Lie down, give up, but I can’t. Won’t. I will keep
Fighting to break through to someone, anyone.
Who knows? Maybe it will be you.
The sun sets as I begin my journey-
A single step and there’s no going back.
In five years time I’m not sure who I’ll be
Who I’ll miss, What I’ll have, what I’ll lack.
Will I make new friends or new enemies,
Will I lose those I already hold dear?
Will I wake, see the mirror and freeze,
Paralyzed by the reflecting leer?
Will I recognize the man staring back
Or will I lose myself on the way
Or will I find what I now lack
And every one of my demons slay?
Forward into uncertainty, move on.
That’s the only way to go, towards a new dawn.
Give friendship, give trust freely and without cause-
Make fast friends, slow enemies.
If others hurt you, take advantage of you, persevere:
Succeed even when they stack all odds against you.
Forgive others who harm you, but remember to protect yourself in the future.
Keep your expectations low and be prepared to do it all yourself
Let kindness from others amaze you as the wonderful gift it is.
Help others, go above an beyond expectations
Not with any expectation of benefit, but because you want to.
Take joy in raising others up and raise yourself up even when others push you down.
Realize that this is your own personal truth, not the same as anyone else’s
Not better, not worse,
And that the only universal wrong is the intentional harm of others.
Live this life. You may not always be happy. You may not always succeed.
But I truly hope that you will always find peace.
In the early hours of the morning
When the city is wrapped in deep slumber
When there’s no danger, no need for warning
And the minds of dreamers, giants lumber
Silence smothers the city, a deep embrace,
Everything clear as finest crystal
No need to hide away your truest face
Finally free to tear down every wall.
Alone with your thoughts, your mind buzzes warm-
Free to think.
Listening to the beat of your own heart-
Free to feel.
Finally able to hear your heart’s whisper…
I love her. I am finally sure.
I’ve spent so much time with my head just above the clouds, in a world of my own. Watching the world from a distance, never stepping forward and taking control. I never tried to penetrate the surface, never tried to dive in deep. I just observed everything I could and hoped my surface knowledge, surface interactions, would fill the hunger in my soul. Now I’m behind, but not out of the race. It’s time to take the plunge, it’s time to plumb the depths, it’s time to grab control of my life and participate. It’s time to leave my comfort zone. It’s time to be present as a doer, not as a watcher. In pursuit of more depth and less breadth.
Written Fall 2015