It’s Enough

It’s Enough

I’ve seen enough suffering

Maybe had a little too much too

Even if it’s just a drop in the ocean of pain

Even if my blessings are still too many to count

And I should thank God every day

Still sometimes I feel the weight

Making every step a little harder than the last

So I don’t see the point in adding more

Just to get ahead

Just to serve selfish ends

Even if it seems the world is designed

For those willing to take advantage

I refuse.

I don’t know if my life will leave any marks on this world

That will echo more than a few years

I honestly suspect it won’t

In the end that’s ok

But I won’t give up

In every step I take

I will try

Try to do no harm

Try to do one small thing at a time to help

To leave this world just a little better

Than I found it

And that’s enough.

Keep you warm

Keep you warm

This world is cruel, I know
Full of tragedy
Sound of tears
Sound of bombs
Sound of screams
Sound of silence.
And there’s so much in it that feels random
Why am I here? Not there?
Most of us are not any better people
Just born into better circumstances
Given a little more light and warmth
To make it easier to grow.
Somehow even then
Steeped in privilege
We find our little grievances
“Why did this happen to me?”
Failing to see the struggles of others every day.
But, my love
When the world seems covered in darkness
I know there’s always one shining light
Out there I can count on
And if you can’t see it
That’s because it’s you.
We cannot banish the darkness in the world by ourselves
All we can do is to try our very best
Every day
To be a small beacon of light in our corner of this world
To find others like us
Help brighten each others lives
And hope that the light spreads a little further into the darkness.
So when this world is dark
When this world feels cold
And you feel at your worst
I will pick you up
I will hold you close to me
Surround you
Envelop you
And you can rest your head on my chest a while
And we can breathe together
And I will keep you warm.

Think of you

Think of you

I’m ashamed to admit
That now there are days
That I don’t think about you
When I’m lost in my life
My small worries
My small joys
And everything in between
There are days when I almost feel
Normal
Like any other person
Not a care in the world
And that hurts
Because I never want to let you go
I never will
Still there are things that remind me
Sometimes when I am at the peak of the mountain
I think of you
And how much I wish you were still here
So I could call you
And tell you
And we could share it together
But what really hurts
Is in the calm, in between
How I know
I’m missing the calls from you
To tell me how your day has been
What you’ve accomplished
Or just to say hi
(You would do that a lot)
Why I am still here
And I have so much
Even though not everything
And you’re gone
But I’m happy for these thoughts
Despite the pain
Because I know it keeps you with me
So i hope in some small ways
(I don’t hope I know)
You live on in me
And I hope
I wish
That somewhere
You’re there
And you can see
And come along
And you know what you mean to me.

Blaze

Blaze

Some people blaze
With a light of their own
An all consuming inferno
That takes all the air out of the room
Fire blowing in a shifting wind
It almost hurts to look.
They fall into and out of your life
Like shooting stars
Beautiful
But not meant to stay.
Some are more like a bed of embers,
Burning slow
Warm glow
Consistent
Always there
Something to depend on.
It’s so often we crave the first, the highs they bring
But inevitably also the lows
And it’s easy not to see the embers
Until your eyes are adjusted to the dark
But in the long run
It’s a warmth that seeps into your bones
And fills your home with light.

Smoke

Smoke

I remember you sitting on the couch
In your house
It smelled like smoke
Watching reruns of tv-shows
Older than your son
My father
I’m not sure what was going on in your mind
Maybe dreams of a far off past
A different world
People things and places
That have all passed on and changed form
And I never really asked about it
And you never really volunteered
We only talked about it a few times
A small glimpse of a life.
You were a man of few words
But I remember the way your eyes would sometimes gleam
When you saw us
And despite the lack of words
And the little we knew about each others lives
In some way we communicated in silence
And the last time I saw you
You fell asleep
So I waited for some time
Left you a note
Told you I loved you
And would see you again
But you had grown tired
And were ready to go
So the next time, you were asleep forever
Gone to see the many people who went before you
Gone like the world you knew as a young man
Except for the pieces you left behind
In me and the people you loved.

Neuchâtel skies

Neuchâtel skies

It’s a peculiar feeling
When you leave behind everything you know
And set your sights for new lands
Become a stranger
Different language different customs
But you will find
That in every place
If you keep your eyes and your heart open
You can find fellow travelers
Who may be strangers or may be at home
But who see you
And smile
Because they see something familiar in you
People who will bring you along with them
Until you find your way
Find your home
At least for some time
With the sound of music
Drifting over the cold water
Of the lake under the stars
Beneath Neuchâtel skies.

In Pieces

In Pieces

The first time I went away from home
I think I was not sure of myself
Whether I would find a new home
Whether I was worthy of love
And could find it with people who were not bound to me
By an accident of the time and place of our birth
But I did find friends
And lovers
More than once
Not always perfect fits
But close enough
Everyone has a small piece of the divine spark

And I moved from home to home many times
And always found people whose souls
Would resonate, at least a little, with mine
Until eventually I found myself
Love for me
Just the way I am
But it’s interesting
That since I was young
In some ways I set myself apart
People like to do things for others
It’s one of my favorite things
But somehow I wanted to do things by myself
Never rely on others
I deprive them of the thing I crave most
And I still don’t like to ask people for things
I’d rather figure it out on my own
Do it on my own

I’m not really sure why
It’s not because I fear someone to say no
I have grown comfortable with discomfort
And I feel that I am enough
No matter what others think
I think it’s because I don’t want to trouble others
I fear more that someone would say yes
Despite not wanting to
Or to say no and feel bad
I don’t want to be a burden, to ask for precious pieces of someone that they’d rather keep
But why?

In the end it must come back to me
It always does
Some myth of myself I hold too dear
The easiest one to fool is the one in the mirror
I want to believe
That I am infinite
That I am unbreakable
And I can give out little pieces of myself
Over and over again
And never take something back
Sometimes I really think I am
But somewhere deep inside
I remember times
Where I gave too much
And started to crack
Even if I didn’t let it show
Where there weren’t so many pieces left to give

And so maybe I should try to learn
To protect myself a little
To slow down
To give less freely
And keep some of the important pieces for myself
Or someone who will keep them safe.

I Miss You

I Miss You

I don’t remember when you were born
I was too young
But I have seen the pictures
The smile on my face
A new brother to love.
But those days, I didn’t see three feet past my nose
Absorbed in my inner world
The things I could learn
The stories I could live
But you were always watching me, I think,
My every move
Maybe I taught you some bad habits
But I know now you just wanted a part of me
A little bit of attention reflected back
Where so much was given.
And we fought and fought
Time and time again
And it really hurt
You didn’t pull punches
Never gave up.
I was the older brother
Should be smarter, should be wiser
But in time (too much time)
I saw you were right
That the world outside our minds is what is worth living for
The small sliver where my world intersects with yours.
It’s not the things we learn, the things we achieve that make life worth living.
It’s the things we build with others, the small acts of kindness, the moments of love and friendship.
I learned so much from you.
I hope you knew.
I will forever be grateful.
I will forever miss you.

The Vine

The Vine

I think now we had no business being together
I’m not sure what drew me to you
Or, even more, you to me.
I think in the end I was hurt
And I saw the wounds in you
And somehow I thought I could help
And it would help me too.
And really I know I fucked up
I didn’t know the right thing to do
Was oblivious
But damn, did I try
For so long
To find some way to help
To be enough for you.
But it was never going to happen.
So, our time together withered and turned grey
Rotted on the vine
And I wanted so bad somehow to save it
But I had a brown thumb, or two left feet.
I should have let it go years before
Rather than keep cutting off pieces of my flesh
To try to stop the bleeding.

Jump

Jump

It started as many of the best things do.
Just two kids, same year, living in the same town.
And I don’t even know the first time I saw you
I remember you dated a friend of mine, when we were way too young.
And I remember the class we took together
I did my best to help you
I think you were grateful
But I would have given it and more for nothing.
And you disappeared for a bit
Or my attention went elsewhere
Until I drove you home one day
After the leaves had changed
Crimson red and gold
And had started to wither and fall.
So I gave you my shirt,
In an attempt to protect you
In a world so cold but suddenly
It felt a little more warm.
And then flash forward to your parents basement
Just friends for a second
Until you leaned in
Further and further
Your head on my chest
Your breathing in time with mine
And it was clear you felt the same.
In the beginning I know I was too unfocused
My attention elsewhere, divided.
The space open in my life a little smaller than you deserved.
But it felt like you gave it all to me
And in time I gave it all to you.
My life intertwined with yours
Your friends my friends
Until you were a piece of me.
But then it ended
Fitting with how it began
We weren’t in the same place anymore
Lives growing, expanding
Reaching for new horizons.
And now I know
It’s good in the end
You did us a favor
Not to hold us back
But it hurt
That I had finally jumped
Had a few moments of glorious free fall
And then, suddenly, the ground.
But that’s young love
And I’m happy it happened
Happy I had you
And I hope that your life
Is everything I dreamed it would be
And more.