Tag: Loss

Keep you warm

Keep you warm

This world is cruel, I know
Full of tragedy
Sound of tears
Sound of bombs
Sound of screams
Sound of silence.
And there’s so much in it that feels random
Why am I here? Not there?
Most of us are not any better people
Just born into better circumstances
Given a little more light and warmth
To make it easier to grow.
Somehow even then
Steeped in privilege
We find our little grievances
“Why did this happen to me?”
Failing to see the struggles of others every day.
But, my love
When the world seems covered in darkness
I know there’s always one shining light
Out there I can count on
And if you can’t see it
That’s because it’s you.
We cannot banish the darkness in the world by ourselves
All we can do is to try our very best
Every day
To be a small beacon of light in our corner of this world
To find others like us
Help brighten each others lives
And hope that the light spreads a little further into the darkness.
So when this world is dark
When this world feels cold
And you feel at your worst
I will pick you up
I will hold you close to me
Surround you
Envelop you
And you can rest your head on my chest a while
And we can breathe together
And I will keep you warm.

Think of you

Think of you

I’m ashamed to admit
That now there are days
That I don’t think about you
When I’m lost in my life
My small worries
My small joys
And everything in between
There are days when I almost feel
Normal
Like any other person
Not a care in the world
And that hurts
Because I never want to let you go
I never will
Still there are things that remind me
Sometimes when I am at the peak of the mountain
I think of you
And how much I wish you were still here
So I could call you
And tell you
And we could share it together
But what really hurts
Is in the calm, in between
How I know
I’m missing the calls from you
To tell me how your day has been
What you’ve accomplished
Or just to say hi
(You would do that a lot)
Why I am still here
And I have so much
Even though not everything
And you’re gone
But I’m happy for these thoughts
Despite the pain
Because I know it keeps you with me
So i hope in some small ways
(I don’t hope I know)
You live on in me
And I hope
I wish
That somewhere
You’re there
And you can see
And come along
And you know what you mean to me.

Smoke

Smoke

I remember you sitting on the couch
In your house
It smelled like smoke
Watching reruns of tv-shows
Older than your son
My father
I’m not sure what was going on in your mind
Maybe dreams of a far off past
A different world
People things and places
That have all passed on and changed form
And I never really asked about it
And you never really volunteered
We only talked about it a few times
A small glimpse of a life.
You were a man of few words
But I remember the way your eyes would sometimes gleam
When you saw us
And despite the lack of words
And the little we knew about each others lives
In some way we communicated in silence
And the last time I saw you
You fell asleep
So I waited for some time
Left you a note
Told you I loved you
And would see you again
But you had grown tired
And were ready to go
So the next time, you were asleep forever
Gone to see the many people who went before you
Gone like the world you knew as a young man
Except for the pieces you left behind
In me and the people you loved.

I Miss You

I Miss You

I don’t remember when you were born
I was too young
But I have seen the pictures
The smile on my face
A new brother to love.
But those days, I didn’t see three feet past my nose
Absorbed in my inner world
The things I could learn
The stories I could live
But you were always watching me, I think,
My every move
Maybe I taught you some bad habits
But I know now you just wanted a part of me
A little bit of attention reflected back
Where so much was given.
And we fought and fought
Time and time again
And it really hurt
You didn’t pull punches
Never gave up.
I was the older brother
Should be smarter, should be wiser
But in time (too much time)
I saw you were right
That the world outside our minds is what is worth living for
The small sliver where my world intersects with yours.
It’s not the things we learn, the things we achieve that make life worth living.
It’s the things we build with others, the small acts of kindness, the moments of love and friendship.
I learned so much from you.
I hope you knew.
I will forever be grateful.
I will forever miss you.

Keep going

Keep going

For some reason I feel like it was Easter
I don’t think it really was
But sometime in the late winter or spring
When you came home
And I saw the looks on your faces
I honestly thought someone died
Some terrible accident
What else could make you look like that?
Shattered.
But then we went to the room
With the big windows
Filled with warm rays of sun
And I sat on the ground
I don’t need a chair
While you told us
How things would change
(But they wouldn’t)
Shattered time
Go to sit alone
Do the work you asked me to do months ago
To distract myself
But in the end I tried to understand
To see it from your eyes
I don’t think it was about me
I don’t think it was about any of us
Some things in us run deep
Cracks in the bedrock we don’t notice until it’s too late
So how could I fault you?
And to this day I do the same

To see from others eyes
Everyone has their reason
For the things they do
Noone is the villain in their own story
And sometimes things are hard
But we don’t control our lives
It’s an endless game of chance
We only control how we respond
How we keep going
I always will.

Flaws

Flaws

They say our flaws are what make us human
We’ve more than our fair share.
Pieces broken, splintered
Things we’ve had to bear.

But there can be an odd beauty
In light reflected from broken glass
The sound as it falls to the ground
A torn blanket on green grass

And the pain we feel
It comes and goes
Is replaced by smiles and laughs
One day will return

But we’re still here
Broken pieces and all
Marching on
Till the end.

Brothers in Arms

Brothers in Arms

We were together through it all
Every misstep, every fall
Good times, bad times, ups and downs
They haven’t stopped, neither will I

But you were supposed to be here,
we had plans
We were gonna turn the world upside down
Come out on top, win it all,
Go to war together, brothers in arms.

But all it feels a little bit different now
That you’re not standing behind me
I’m the same me I always was
But there’s a little more, and a little less.

You were supposed to be here,
we had plans
We were gonna turn the world upside down
Come out on top, win it all,
Go to war together, brothers in arms.

And I’m not sure how it’s gonna be
The things in the future that I’m gonna see
You’re not the last thing that I’m going to lose
But I had hoped to lose them next to you

But you were supposed to be here,
we had plans
We were gonna turn the world upside down
Come out on top, win it all,
Go to war together, brothers in arms.

I’m not sure you were ever supposed to be here
Sometimes it feels like you had to fight for every second
So many times that you could have slipped away
It’s a miracle that you were here at all

But you were supposed to be here,
we had plans
We were gonna turn the world upside down
Come out on top, win it all
Go to war together, brothers in arms.

But I won’t leave you behind
I couldn’t if I tried
I’ll carry you every step
You’re a part of me.

You were supposed to be here,
we had plans
We were gonna turn the world upside down
Come out on top, win it all,
Go to war together, brothers in arms.

 

 

Moving forward (not moving on)

Moving forward (not moving on)

It still doesn’t quite feel right
Like the world put on a coat two sizes too tight
Like it’s all squeezed, uncomfortable
Close to right, but all wrong

I keep looking at my phone
I keep expecting to hear it ring
Hear your voice saying hey bro, what’s going on?
Do you have time to talk?

The places we were together are a little emptier now.
A little colder. A little quieter.
It’s still weird that you’re not here
We were together our whole lives
You used to never leave me alone

It was supposed to be me and you against the world.
Brothers to the end
We were supposed to go through the tough times together
And the good times too

We had a lot of those.
I guess I’ll have some more to come
And I guess you’ll be there too.
Every Step.
I couldn’t leave you behind if I tried to
So many of the best parts of me are really pieces of you.

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I will fight for you

I will fight for you

I would fight for you with everything I’ve got

With tooth and with nail, shed blood, sweat and tears

With every ounce of muscle, get stabbed, get shot

To protect you from every one of your fears

I’d be your knight, your champion, your hero

And protect you from every evil.

In burning sun, drenching rain, freezing snow

I would carry you up the tallest hill

But I will never fight to possess you

I want you to be with who you want most

I won’t change myself, anything I do

Won’t let my true self disappear like a ghost

I love you enough to let you be free

I’ll wait for someone who’ll love me for me.

Written winter 2015/16DSC07262.jpg

 

Life is Short

Life is short. I learned that from you.

Well, I guess I already knew

in my head

but you made it real. Visceral.

You were 100% here and then you were gone.

A light that shone too bright to last long.

 

I feel it in my bones now

When I think about you

And your words.

When you’d call me brother.

 

You’re not living anymore

But I want to live like you.

Real.

Open.

Not hiding anything

ready to help anyone.

I want to help people

I want to change their lives

I want to change

the world.

And I’ll start one step at a time.

 

Thank you for being here.

For what you taught me.

Work hard. Enjoy it all. Be here while you can.

 

Life is short.

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