Month: July 2023

I Miss You

I Miss You

I don’t remember when you were born
I was too young
But I have seen the pictures
The smile on my face
A new brother to love.
But those days, I didn’t see three feet past my nose
Absorbed in my inner world
The things I could learn
The stories I could live
But you were always watching me, I think,
My every move
Maybe I taught you some bad habits
But I know now you just wanted a part of me
A little bit of attention reflected back
Where so much was given.
And we fought and fought
Time and time again
And it really hurt
You didn’t pull punches
Never gave up.
I was the older brother
Should be smarter, should be wiser
But in time (too much time)
I saw you were right
That the world outside our minds is what is worth living for
The small sliver where my world intersects with yours.
It’s not the things we learn, the things we achieve that make life worth living.
It’s the things we build with others, the small acts of kindness, the moments of love and friendship.
I learned so much from you.
I hope you knew.
I will forever be grateful.
I will forever miss you.

The Vine

The Vine

I think now we had no business being together
I’m not sure what drew me to you
Or, even more, you to me.
I think in the end I was hurt
And I saw the wounds in you
And somehow I thought I could help
And it would help me too.
And really I know I fucked up
I didn’t know the right thing to do
Was oblivious
But damn, did I try
For so long
To find some way to help
To be enough for you.
But it was never going to happen.
So, our time together withered and turned grey
Rotted on the vine
And I wanted so bad somehow to save it
But I had a brown thumb, or two left feet.
I should have let it go years before
Rather than keep cutting off pieces of my flesh
To try to stop the bleeding.

Jump

Jump

It started as many of the best things do.
Just two kids, same year, living in the same town.
And I don’t even know the first time I saw you
I remember you dated a friend of mine, when we were way too young.
And I remember the class we took together
I did my best to help you
I think you were grateful
But I would have given it and more for nothing.
And you disappeared for a bit
Or my attention went elsewhere
Until I drove you home one day
After the leaves had changed
Crimson red and gold
And had started to wither and fall.
So I gave you my shirt,
In an attempt to protect you
In a world so cold but suddenly
It felt a little more warm.
And then flash forward to your parents basement
Just friends for a second
Until you leaned in
Further and further
Your head on my chest
Your breathing in time with mine
And it was clear you felt the same.
In the beginning I know I was too unfocused
My attention elsewhere, divided.
The space open in my life a little smaller than you deserved.
But it felt like you gave it all to me
And in time I gave it all to you.
My life intertwined with yours
Your friends my friends
Until you were a piece of me.
But then it ended
Fitting with how it began
We weren’t in the same place anymore
Lives growing, expanding
Reaching for new horizons.
And now I know
It’s good in the end
You did us a favor
Not to hold us back
But it hurt
That I had finally jumped
Had a few moments of glorious free fall
And then, suddenly, the ground.
But that’s young love
And I’m happy it happened
Happy I had you
And I hope that your life
Is everything I dreamed it would be
And more.

Lessons

Lessons

I’m not sure where I learned many of these lessons
Seems like they were there before I can remember
Deeply embedded in my mind
Many of them good
Just as many bad
The baggage I carry through life and try to unlearn.
And so you caught my eye
Both of you
And I fell in deep
And I acted out the lessons I learned
Playing this movie in my mind, sharing it with you
But somehow at this time
I didn’t know that it could work
That anyone could be interested in this boy just barely becoming a man
And so I didn’t think
Because I thought you would never take interest
It would never become real.
And I’m not sure exactly how much you cared for me
But I guess it was a bit at least
And then it came out
You were friends
Of course you talked
I acted a fool
To make you both feel special with the same words.
The thing is, you were both special.
To me.
But I was lazy and I didn’t believe my words had power
Didn’t believe I had power
Was worthy of love.
And with time you both had grace
Forgave me somehow
Became friends again.
And you weren’t the same anymore
And I hope you felt that you were special to me
In different ways.
And we have lost touch over the years
So much has happened
I hope you’ve known love and joy
I still think of you sometimes
And wish with all my heart
That you are happy
And loved.